refusegirl

This one is priceless:-

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

 

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

 

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

 

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

 

Officer: Can I see your license please?

 

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

 

Officer: Don't have one?

 

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

 

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

 

Older Woman: I can't do that.

 

Officer: Why not?

 

Older Woman: I stole this car.

 

Officer: Stole it?

 

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

 

Officer: You what?

 

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

 

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

 

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

 

Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?

 

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

 

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

 

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

 

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

 

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

 

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

 

The officer is quite stunned.

 

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

 

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

 

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

 

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

 

 

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know.

Just got his emailled to me, some people should avoid quizzes forever!

 

Brain of Britain – Genuine Answers from quiz shows and radio phone-ins.

 

 

 

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman:

What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant:

Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman:

No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

 

 

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:

Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant:

Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston:

There's a clue in the title.

Contestant:

Leicester

 

 

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White:

Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:

I don't know.

Stewart White:

I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant:

Arm

Stewart White:

Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant:

Strong.

Stewart White:

Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant:

Louis

Stewart White:

Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant:

Frank Sinatra?

 

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski:

What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant:

France.

Trelinski:

France is another country. Try again.

Contestant:

Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski:

Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant:

Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski:

Just guess a country then.

Contestant:

Paris.

 

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:

Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant:

The Conservative Party.

 

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark :

For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis:

I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne:

What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant:

Goosey?

 

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter:

What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?

Contestant:

I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER)

Phil:

What's 11 squared?

Contestant:

I don't know.

Phil:

I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant:

Is it five?

 

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:

Which American actor was married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant:

Forrest Gump.

 

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard:

On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant:

Er. .. ..

Richard:

He makes bread . . .

Contestant:

Er . ....

Richard:

He makes cakes . . .

Contestant:

Kipling Street?

 

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter:

Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant:

Barcelona.

Presenter:

I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant:

I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question:

What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant:

The Pacific.

 

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter:

Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant:

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

 

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre:

What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant:

Magna Carta?

 

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien:

How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant:

Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

 

 

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle:

In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller:

Japan.

Chris Searle:

I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller:

Er ...... Mexico ?

 

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat:

How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause):

Fourteen days.

 

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham:

In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:

Holland?

Daryl Denham:

Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant:

Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully)

It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant:

No.

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood:

What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant:

Er. ... ..

Phil Wood:

It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .

Contestant:

Blimey?

Phil Wood:

Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..

Contestant:

(Silence)

Phil Wood:

OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . .. .

Contestant:

Walked?

 

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes:

What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant:

Nostalgia.

 

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter:

What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant:

Jewish.

Presenter:

That's close enough.

 

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright:

Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant:

Jesus.

 

gotta say this brightened up my afternoon considerably

These workmen are installing bollards to stop nurses from parking on the pavement outside the Royal Hospital in Belfast . They are cleaning up at the end of the day.
How long do you think it will be before they realise that they can't go home? 

 This is a real photograph...!

The Beatings Will Continue.
Until Morale Improves.


Says it all don't you think?

http://notalwaysright.com/

For anyone whose had to deal with the public. Enjoy

I knew things were getting a little tight but really....

Just had this passed to me by a collegue, it had me in tears

snippets from actual customer complaints to the council.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage

has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just

can't  take it anymore.

3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and

burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when

he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against

my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet

roof. I 

think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the

wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife

tripped 

and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are

plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny

colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every

morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which

is  unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a 

third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you

please  do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and

satisfy my  wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I

still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we

can't get BBC2.

 

See what you guys think :)

Found these in a folder, thought they may raise a laugh...

 

 

 

Enjoy!


paula

They swear blind it's true..

A lady died this past January, and MBNA bank billed her for February
and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance
that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

MBNA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

MBNA:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her
being dead?'

MBNA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

MBNA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can
do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her. I don't think she will care.'

MBNA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Glasnevin Cemetry, Finglas Road , Dublin 11, Ireland , Plot Number
1049.'

MBNA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

http://glumbert.com/wii/view.php?name=baddayoffice

Passed round our office this cheered the admin staff up, I especially like the bit with the monitor and the photocopier.

Paula

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


Enjoy

So, i decided i should make a post, clever eh?

I'm actually in a right good mood, i discovered today that the council's Web filters don't consider live journal a problem so Yippee I can read at work.

I've decided to start using this as a way to post Humour, jokes, funny pictures etc. If you have a funny story, joke or picture then by all means post it I could use a laugh in the middle of the day, after all my job is really rubbish!

Pardon the pun, it was intentional I work for the refuse department... that's it.... 'the bin men'

I don't know whats worse - having to empty the bins or what I do in the office and listen to all the screamers complaining they're bins didn't get emptied.

You know the sort of thing... 'You didn't empty my bin' - 'Yes sir and what is your address' - 'You must know, you missed it'

Priceless! - Hello we empty bins at 300,000 properties, what are we psychic!!

I'll dig through my computer at work tomorrow for something humourous to post. 

-^-

I'm having a bit of a Torchwood fetish at the moment so if anyone knows of any good long stories I'd appreciate a link, plus we can post them for everybody in fact any fic recs at all.

Anyway i'll try and post regularly but I'm a bit of a lurker and find it hard, but I must go round and comment on the fantastic stories I've been reading in the last couple of days.

Night

paula